“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” Thomas Merton
Once upon a time I knew this young twenty-something woman who lived by the standards of the world. She was raised in a Catholic home, attended CCD, received the sacraments and took her faith quite seriously. However, as the world drew her in by its alluring ideas and promises, she began to fall further from her faith and was attached to the world; she was the boss of her life and no one could tell her anything different. This woman sought approval in all the wrong places, struggled to keep herself healthy and wondered if God even existed.
On July 7, 2008 on a sunny Midwest day she walked alone out of an average doctor’s office with news which changed her life. As she tossed her last pack of cigarettes, she began to cry with despair and loneliness. What had happened to her life? Where had she gone wrong? Where was God in all of this? As she entered her downtown studio apartment, she heated up some Spaghetti’s and call her Mom. Putting words to her news was difficult. She was 8 weeks pregnant.
This woman was me, and that little 8-week-old unborn baby turned my world upside down in the most monumental ways possible. I felt so broken and defeated, however God used her 12 week ultrasound to transform my thoughts and enhanced my will to live. I’ll never forget the sound of her little heart beating and the awe I felt. I knew from that point on I would be ok. I would grow stronger from my choices with the grace and help of the god who never abandoned me. Dear reader, I know as humans we unintentionally or some purposefully disappoint and hurt each other at times, however there is a God who will never forsake us. I’m blessed with friends who have been with me through the ups and downs of this journey. If you are reading this, I’m thankful you have joined in on this adventure with me. Reverting back to my Catholic faith has changed my life for the better.
K has taught me about sacrifice, unconditional love and how to live. These are things I didn’t know how to do prior to her birth. God used this 6 pound 7 ounce blessing to get my attention and helped me become more in touch with what really matters—living life to the fullest, treating others as I wish to be treated, wholeheartedly loving those who are put in my life for a reason, season or prayerfully for a life time, unashamedly sharing my faith because we never know when our time on earth is done and most importantly passing these lessons onto my impressionable young one.
Although I’m not sure if this entry means much, I hope we can all be mindful that we never know how God could be working in someone’s life. For me, I have been sadly negatively judged by some Christians and looked down upon because I am a single Mother. I implore you, life your life to the fullest with openness, love and the heart of Jesus.
Due to the personal nature, this has not been an easy entry to write. I’ve pondered over what to say, how to say it and what message I want to convey. Even though I’m an independent, empathetic, compassionate person who strives to not allow obstacles to hinder my goals, I have learned to place my trust in a power bigger than myself. I may not be fully content with my singleness or the crosses God has given me, but I’m slowly learning to let go and allow His will to play out in my at times chaotic life. What challenges have you faced which have brought you closer to those around you or enriched you spiritually?
Until next time,