Since music deeply speaks to me, this song is the theme for this post.
“All that is good, all that is true, all that is beautiful leads us to God” – Pope Francis
Hello there, long time no write.
How are you on this fine Friday? I unfortunately haven’t participated in the past two NAS link ups for various reasons. Well, I should be honest about why. First of all, I haven’t felt as if I have much to contribute to the prompts and I’ve fallen into my foe, clinical depression. I’ve waffled about whether or not I should write this post and have come to the conclusion that I truly want this blog to reflect who I am at all stages.
As humans, we go through our ups and downs for different reasons. I’ve been down this road of gloom before; it often reoccurs during this time of year and typically extends to spring. As I was praying for God to remove this heavy cross from my hands, quietly in my heart I heard Him say “I am with you always.” Yes, I know that logically, I feel His presence when I am at the peaks of life’s mountaintops, however, do I believe it when I am in the valley? I had to seriously examine my intentions with my prayers. When I am down, I often forget to thank God for all He has given me: my life, Miss K, for the big and little things, for my friends, family and all the lessons of detachment I am learning through this period of sadness. While I do believe depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, I also have come to realize it’s also a spiritual battle. Evil attempts to deceive me, plant doubts of worthlessness in my head, attempts to distance me from the love of God, question my faith or tempt me to engage in self-destructive behaviors. Although some days I feel like giving up, I have to remember this is only how I feel. Feelings are fleeting and in this world which tells us it’s all about me or do what makes you happy, as believers in Christ we are called to higher standards. It’d be easy to throw in the towel and say I don’t want this anymore, however, as I am learning many Saints have gone through darkness, depression and sadness. Our sufferings are designed to unite us closer to Christ. We are all called to be Saints, to be the best we can be in Christ. I will be the first to admit I like to be in control of my life and routine. Yes, it’s okay if you laugh along with me. Isn’t this proof God also has a sense of humor? 🙂 I am not in control; I am not as strong as I think; even though it’s a confusing jumble at times, I cannot predict my life. I can not control who stays or goes. I do not know as hard as I try to apply for jobs, when I will find employment, but what I can choose is what I do with today.
It’s helpful to always remember to accept who we are, where we are and what matters is we know our worth in Christ. I am so thankful for the sacraments, adoration, prayers and all the Church offers to help fight this battel. As I reflected over the readings for today, what leaped out were Christ’s words “Whoever is not with me is against me.” What a powerfuls tatement. I know Jesus said following Him would not be easy, but sometimes I forget the sacrifices we are called to make. “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Lk. 9:23
I am thankful to know I am not alone. I am thankful through this depression I am learning, albeit difficult, to give God my gripes and attitude of gratitude. I am thankful to see another day. I am thankful for the crosses I carry because without them, I would not be where I am today. I am thankful for everyone who has been placed in my life. I am thankful for my spiritual sisters near and far who remind me what truly matters. Thank you for being you and for reading my cathartic rambles.
If you are struggling with depression or prayer, I pray this prayer brings you peace.
Even if you do not have the words to pray, I’ve found it helpful to simply say “Jesus, I Trust in You.”
|O Christ Jesus
When all is darkness
And we feel our weakness and helplessness,
Give us the sense of Your Presence,
Your Love and Your Strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
In Your protecting love
And strengthening power,
So that nothing may frighten or worry us,
For, living close to You, We shall see Your Hand, Your Purpose, Your Will through all things. By St. Ignatius of Loyola
Until next time,