Authentic me

Who You Are

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Hello, it’s me. Yes, I’m listening to Adele as I write this ramble.

The above quote illustrates what I am pondering today. I’ve always said I want my blog to be a place of authenticity and truthfulness. However, it seems a major unintended disconnect has occurred since its inception nearly a year ago. I’ve realized I want to be real with you about who I truly am, flaws and all. Even at the risk of losing respect.

Though I’m not going to go into specifics, I’ll attempt to share some realizations I’ve come to through this place of brokenness which will eventually translate into a growing process.

  1. I’m a super sinner who frequently makes unhealthy choices and somehow God continues to love me.

2. I wish I could once and for all stop the hellish cycle of self-destruction before it takes my life.

3. My mental health continues to be a work in progress, but I’m not ashamed of my crosses.

4. Although some day’s happiness seems like an elusive goal, I keep on keeping on.

5. Since I am terrified of vulnerability and rejection, I have become a skeptical soul.

6. Although I’ve been harshly judged by some, I don’t regret my past decisions; they have been my wisest teachers.

7. While I’ve lost because of my behaviors, some friends have graciously continued to walk with me on this meandering path called life.

8. The Footprints in the Sand poem aptly describes my life. Sometimes I can’t always do it on my own and have to admit I need help.

9. God has placed people in my life for a reason or season to teach me how to let go and trust in His plan.

10. I am my own worst enemy, but as time goes on I’m learning to accept and like who I am.

11. When I feel as if my world is slowly crumbling, I smile and put on appearances that I’ve got my life together.

12. I want people to believe what they think or see on the outside rather than the true flawed weak woman I am.

13. I am a highly sensitive perfectionistic person which causes social anxiety and introversion.

14. Books and music are my best friends; they expertly capture the intense emotions I often feel and struggle to express.

15. Despite my addictive tendencies causing nothing but chaos, I struggle to fully surrender.

I am unsure of who I am anymore.

There you have it; this is the authentic me.

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Brene Brown

Until next time,

Anjelina

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