“I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles.” – Wintergirls
Happy Earth day! I hope this entry finds you well. It has been some time since I have written a substantive post. I’m still reading your blogs and hope to get around to commenting to your beautiful, enriching posts.
I chose the above quote because it symbolizes how I have been feeling over the past week. With a major med change and a new outlook on recovery, I am learning to be okay with who I am. Accepting my body for what it is, God’s creation, the temple of the Holy Spirit, is a realization which has taken many years.
I’m not at all saying I don’t still struggle with body image and negative thoughts, but what I am beginning to believe is that recovery is something to always work for no matter how many times a relapse occurs. Recovery is worth every negative thought or action.
For me, the eating disorder, while very cunning offers nothing but empty promises and is simply a load of lies. I write this for anyone struggling or for those days’ recovery seems unattainable. There is life, freedom, happiness and so much more outside of the suffocating world of not being well.
I have learned I am unable to have one foot in the world of mental and physical torment while the other is in the world of being a social worker. The two cannot coexist.
I am looking forward to my future employment opportunity with all its possibilities.
Rather than trying to disappear into nothingness, I am learning to like the sound of my step, the size of my body without fixating on the number on the scale, and I enjoy the taste of food. I appreciate more than ever being able to satiate hunger pangs.
I am learning no matter where you are in a relapse, asking for help can be one of the most difficult but best decisions you can make toward wellness.
Take care of yourself because we have one life to live.
What overall proactive tips do you have for when times get tough?
Finally, I leave you with this accurate quote:
“This is the weird aftermath, when it is not exactly over, and yet you have given it up. You go back and forth in your head, often, about giving it up. It’s hard to understand, when you are sitting there in your chair, having breakfast or whatever, that giving it up is stronger than holding on, that “letting yourself go” could mean you have succeeded rather than failed. You eat your goddamn Cheerios and bicker with the bitch in your head that keeps telling you you’re fat and weak: Shut up, you say, I’m busy, leave me alone. When she leaves you alone, there’s a silence and a solitude that will take some getting used to. You will miss her sometimes…There is, in the end, the letting go.” Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
Until next time,