Wow!! 3 blog entries within a week!! 🙂
Welcome to a New Liturgical year!! Here’s to wishing you a joyous, reflective and renewing Advent season as we await the coming of Christ.
When the unwanted insomnia strikes and the usual escape of books or a dive into the time warp known as Facebook is unable to quiet the thoughts in my head, I suppose rather than just mulling over things, now is a good time to write. Since this is a throwback to the days of free-writing, hopefully my sleepless reflections make sense.
This song has been on Pandora repeat:
I will be the first to admit I do not like change. I prefer routine, consistency and order, however, within the past day it is as if a category 5 hurricane has emotionally disrupted my little placid piece of the world. After Father Al’s Sunday’s homily about encouraging us to live a Holy life through our words and actions because we must be prepared for death at any time, I felt a bit disquieted, but Monday’s emotional quake really got to the core of who I am.
Without going into specifics, happenings have caused me to question myself, my abilities, my worth, my goals and the motives which drive me, my humanity, who and what in my life hold meaning and forced me to take a long hard look at earthly stability.
As a good friend reminded me in very few but powerful words, going through this process is teaching me that I cannot do anything on my own. I often loosely use phrases such as “you’ve got this” or “you/we can do it!”
On my own I can do nothing. I fail, I hurt others, I am weak, I am selfish, I am temperamental and a myriad of other accurate adjectives. However, what I am realizing is we are not alone and we are all works in progress. As I was fittingly reminded, I can’t just rely on myself to get through this process, which is transferable to general life experiences whether they be positive or negative. I must constantly pray for an outpouring of the gifts of the Holy Spirit: wisdom, understanding, prudence, fortitude, knowledge, reverence, and fear of the Lord, because on my own fumbling muddled path I am becoming a cynical doubting person. I narrow my focus on how I feel and my perceptions of situations and forget to ask the larger questions. What is God wanting me to learn? How can I grew more virtuous in my ability to freely love when it is difficult? Despite feeling contrary, how can I exhibit the fruits of the Holy Spirit: peace, patience, kindness, joy, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, generosity, chastity, modesty, and self-control?
Well, God has shown me it’s certainly not on my own accord, and it’d be easy to write out the Bible verses which come to mind as reminders such as 2 Corinthians 9:12, or Proverbs 3:5 and Jeremiah 29:11, but I am not quite there yet. I know and believe these truths in my head, but need them to become enmeshed in my heart and soul.
The startling reality for me is calling myself a Christian is one thing, but living the faith is not easy; it’s taxing, confusing, comforting, lonely, opposite of the world and freeing all at the same time. It’s a battle against what I think I want or need and when I am reminded, although our individualistic society portrays the me mentality, this life is not about me. The speck of time I am here on this earth is about using the God-given gifts I have been provided to give god the glory and prayerfully in my little way help others to heaven.
With God’s grace and the support of friends, I will be okay. God’s got this!! I just must work on giving up my need to know and control for trusting in His greater more perfect plan.
Finally, I recently realized it has been 2 years I have been blogging with WordPress. Time sure flies; this baby blog is growing so fast.
I’ve had blogs before on Xanga, LiveJournal, and Myspace, but this blog with your support has been the most therapeutic outlet for me to grapple with difficult questions, ramble about being single, educate the general population about blindness, share highs and lows, my dreams and aspirations and a safe place to unmask my vulnerabilities. Thank you for the many gifts you have given me over the past 2 years, because if it were not for the encouragement of the ladies from the Not alone Series and their blog prompts, I would have not ventured on this journey on my own.
Check out Lindsay’s blog
Before I conclude this haphazard hodgepodge randomness, I must say so much growth can happen in 2 years. November and December are typically difficult months with their own memorable dates and reasons, but through your comments and entries whether they be forged by close proximity or virtual friendships, I am learning we will never be fully content with our state in life if the focus and expectations for happiness are solely placed on chasing after careers or education, attempting to make oodles of money or in seeking approval from others in the shaky instability of our flawed sinful human nature.
When I began blogging, I was attempting to bounce back from the 2-year-old memories and emotions of a difficult breakup, and at the time thought being single was the source of my problems, however, the past four years of being single along with life and its lovely lessons have taught me difficulties, successes, pain and peace are equality vocational opportunity offenders. It does not matter if one is single, engaged, married or widowed, life is a messy, at times chaotic, emotional bag of triumphs and tribulations. What matters is how we carry the crosses we have been given and where we seek our sources of strength.
Thank you for traveling with me on this meandering path of continued spiritual growth and emotional maturity.
Until next time,