Not to fancy, but this is me

A PRAYER FOR HEALING: Lord, You invite all who are burdened to come to You.

Allow Your healing hand to heal me. Touch my soul with Your compassion for others.

Touch my heart with Your courage and infinite love for all.

Touch my mind with Your wisdom, that my mouth may always proclaim Your praise.

Teach me to reach out to You in my need, and help me to lead others to You by my example.

Most loving Heart of Jesus, bring me health in body an spirit that I may serve You with all my strength.

Touch gently this life which You have created, now and forever. Amen.

Written by Priests of the Sacred Heart

I do not have a motivational quote to share or song from which I have drawn strength from, but the above prayer sums up the longing of my soul despite how I feel. This sure is not a well-crafted entry, but what follows is where I am emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I have no need for dying by suicide, because my inability to get a handle on anorexia will sure speed up my demise. What’s sad to some or more accurate is I am to tired to care or try. Right now I can learn to live with its effects and the thought of recovery feels impossible. I am not at all saying recovery is not possible; rather right now here in this moment it feels daunting.

This next statement is not for pity. For whatever reason today the weight of having a visible disability in a society who has programs/procedures which look golden on paper but harken back to the days of separate but equal or the truth that institutional ableism is alive and strong causes me to feel a mixture of defeat, cynicism and anger. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. It is a source of solace to know this earth with its crosses to carry and challenges to confront is not my eternity, and with each passing day I am closer to death.

I am living, I am surviving, I am holding on, but also as I cling to these truths, my hope is slipping. I am slowly sinking and am fearful in the end depression or some such thing will be the victor in this war for all-around wellness.

With all that said, this is where the real work beyond words comes into play. This is where and when I rely on my faith. I am not delusional buy saying this, but as always, with my cooperation God will see me through. I am rambling, so I will roundup these scattered thoughts. I am here for today, and even if it is just for today or tomorrow, I will pull from my hefty toolbox of recovery and wellness tips to fight what I can not see. Though starvation is an area I seem to excel in, I will die trying to get back in the tiresome game of life.

 

&\**8/10 AM update.

I have the tendency to not take the time to write down those, ya know like-a-feather Holy Spirit bombshell revelations to my later chagrin, so here goes.

The lies and myths of depression, which is in my mind is the title of the unpublished database which houses the distortions of depression is an interesting cycle.

Waking up and getting out of bed at times feels painfully difficult. On those days I can’t even push myself to do what I have to do perpetuates the cycle of self-defeatism which is the place I wrote from yesterday. And don’t worry, I will process all of this with my therapist, but I am realizing I have to find an outlet for my emotions other than crying, (which for me is huge, or subconsciously starving myself. Whether it’s writing more, going boxing, getting together with friends to have a tantrum-throwing party, I don’t know, that’s what has to happen. For me, depression comes first then anorexia is always right there to take over, but no matter what DSM diagnosis sticker, it does not have to have the final say. I do not want it to be.

Ok, so back to the Holy Spirit insight. I need to work to not bemoan my earthly life and long for death, because I woke up today which is prooff I still have work to do, and not whatsoever referring to paid employment. 🙂 This is where trust and saying God, your will be done not mine is Essential. I may not succeed in many ways of the world, but what matters to me is living out my faith which also involves going through changes, putting in the work to spiritually grow and through weakness comes strength and detachment.

Living is sure not easy, and often the weight of anger, sadness, hurt, cynicism, caring to much, feeling to much, and just seeing in our humanity disreguard and intentional meanness can take me to such a dark place where a dose of Fuckitall feels quite plausible but is not the answer.

Please know I sure am no saint, and I fail and can improve just like the next, but I can’t thank God enough for this peace I was able to grasp during the easiest prayer, especially when washing hair, “Jesus, I trust in you.”

 

Until next time, please pray for all who are struggling,

Anjelina

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