“Jesus, help me to simplify my life by learning what you want me to be – and becoming that person.” St. Thérèse of Lisieux
One thing in life that always changes without notice is the weather as evidenced by a muggy hot humid morning and an unexpected soaking cool down this afternoon.
I struggle with depression, which I am sure is not a surprise for the world of WordPress, but recently I have been putting serious thought into the adage, “Feelings are fleeting.” Spiritually and religiously this has thankfully slowly traveled from head to heart/soul truth which has trickled into my brain. More times than not, I fail time and time again by generally speaking basing my decisions, reactions and/or interactions on feelings. For whatever reason, the realization hit me like a gentle breeze. Nothing momumental or catestrophic happened to prompt it, but there it was for me to take or leave.
Life is never going to be easy or without struggle despite the ladders upon ladders this earthly existance defines. Contentment with humanity, the perfect job, the best friendship, the fabulous flawless relationship, (anyone who buys that got sold a bill of goods), the right amount of stuff or money–if it’s not kept in check, chasing after the unattainable is like signing your own death warrant. Well, maybe not yours, but I know I have been allowing figuratively and at times literally my blood, sweat and tears of running and never catching up/being good enough/contending with rejection to bring me to this pivotal place.
I have given up on the pipedream of the magical day will come when struggling with depression will be a thing of the past.
It is a grand lofty goal, but most likely it will be the cross I bare and my offer up to God for others who also suffer.
Anorexia? Whelp, we will have to explore my sham of waffling recovery in a future entry. So, back to the big D.
The depression which feeds my inability to actively work at recovery.
The depression which makes me feel as if I cannot get out of bed and must sleep off its fatigue like it’s my job.
The depression that causes me to question my abilities, worth and where I am in life. Yes, depression does that and lots of other shitty tricky things. Thanks be to God and all His holy saints, such as my therapist because I am learning how I feel is just that. How I feel, and although it may be like lifting a whale out of the ocean, each day I get out of bed, stick to my sleep schedule/not sleep when I want to, make my bed each day, and try again is when the words turn into actions.
These most recent truths are gifts truly of the Holy Spirit, and even though these realizations/affirmations surpass my understanding, I can only continue to trust and keep on trying.
This morning I really struggled to get out of bed. My therapist offered me a beautiful gem for such days, and it really works. I set my alarm and allowed myself to become enveloped with how I felt and thought, but as soon as my alarm went off, with lots of cajoling and self-talk I knew if I did not get moving, I would only have myself to blame.
Now, here’s where things go against my typical pessimistic turtle tendencies. I make my bed each day out of habit, but also by the end of the day if I do nothing super productive, I can at least say, self, give yourself credit for making your bed. And yes, often it feels as if my depression and self-destructive tendencies sure need a good talkin’ to on a regular basis.
☺️As I started to begrudgingly make my bed, this strong thought/urge of, “You know what? Take a dose of fuckitall today because I do not want to make my bed.” I felt that childish meh, no I don’t want to take route, then as if on cue or queue the Holy Spirit reigned down some get your ass in gear fire into the brain box. I still remember the thought word for word because it was contrary to my meh morning mindset. “You have to make your bed. It’s when you begin to slack in the little things, it will make its way into the larger areas of life, so do not start now.”
Ok, got it God. I totally felt like I was rightfully chastised, but whether it’s correction from above or in this realm, it is never an easy pill to swallow.
The daily Examine has been such a help to focus on what matters in life, because as each day comes to a close, we are another day closer to our bodily death and eternal entrance wherever that may be. I am far from an upstanding citizen or a saint. I am grappling with my mortality, and I want my life, its interactions and actions to have purpose. This has nothing to do with wanting to earn points with God or something. 🙂
These realizations are not out of piety or Scrupulosity, because been there done that. Rather the inward growth and painful detachment from the empty promises I clung to have crushed me, let me down and broken my trust. A visit to D.C to see the World Youth Day cross and time at the J.P II shrine solidified what always brings me peace is my Catholic faith as well as taking some serious inventory of my spiritual wellbeing. And since you have made it to the end of this ramble, I have one more favor to ask, please and thank you. Keep in your prayers a special intention.
Until next time,